Dim Sum: What exactly do we have here?

Is there such a thing as forensic nutritional analysis? You know, someone you could call in, like the people on CSI, who could begin to look at the evidence and determine if a crime was committed?

It would save dieters from fumbling with their calorie count books or smartphone apps before trying to order something new and unfamiliar. Like the folks on CSI, they’d swoop in afterward and determine if a mere citation or an indictment is needed.

The Restaurant Dieter and the TRD Spouse needed “CSI Chinatown” after a stroll by New York’s City Hall left us looking for lunch and in Chinatown. It was Sunday. Well why not try one of the great dim sum places we’ve been reading about?

We landed at Dim Sum Go Go, decidedly less glitzy than the name suggests. It’s a single small room not much bigger than our New York apartment. It’s overseen by a phalanx of old Chinese men wired with earphones and cords like they were Secret Service agents. After one of them seated us, I thought we might be in for an episode of CSI Chinatown after all.

Once seated we were given a printed menu and a pencil to make our own choices sushi-style. Maybe that’s why it’s Dim Sum Go Go — because unlike most dim sum places, no carts full of food come come. It is fast, though, perhaps because of the high-tech communication system.

With the exception of an order of spring rolls and mango shrimp for the TRD Spouse, we stuck to the stuff on the menu listed as steamed or baked. Other than that, we had no point of reference on how to order healthily. My Weight Watchers smartphone app doesn’t have a listing for beef balls with bean curd skin.

Bamboo steamers or plates arrived in no particular order. Some flat rice rolls with parsley and scallions evoked a slippery wet burito with…parsley and scallions. They went mostly uneaten.

The standouts were the pork buns — one in a snow white steamed dough that looked like a scoop of ice cream; the other in a baked and brown little egg bun. According to one website, a steamed pork bun is 150 calories and 2.9 grams of fat but has 26.7 grams of carbohydrates. Thanks to the carbs, that’s about 4 Weight Watchers points each from my daily allotment of 37.

I must have had at least two of those and two similarly prepared steamed chicken buns. And I’m pretty sure I had a couple of the shrimp dumplings at 58 calories, 3.8 grams of fat each. And let’s see, I had a couple of the stuffed mushrooms at….well, I can’t find a website that gives me a value for those. Neither for those steamed rice rolls that we mostly left, although I think I ate one of each.

And did I taste the TRD Spouse’s mango shrimp and a half a spring roll? I think so. Maybe it was a whole spring roll? I’m not sure how to count the chicken and sticky rice in lotus leaf. It didn’t seem like nice lean chicken breast meat, but you never know.

No officer, I’m not changing my story! I just can’t remember exactly what happened. I don’t remember if the little spoonful of the coconut cake that’s missing was mine. The food came so fast and it was all so confusing. And there were these men wearing radios and rushing around.

Then — yes, that’s it! — I blacked out and when I awoke, the diet was dead. I swear to God that’s what happened.

What do you mean I have the right to remain silent?