Full disclosure: I am not a restaurant critic.

I will rarely critique the ambience of the dining room or write at length about the service in general. I won’t show off my knowledge of food. (I am a good cook, but not an expert.) If I can help it, I won’t use fancy names for things that might otherwise be known by a common term. Or rely on common terms that make no sense when paired with food terms.

You’ve been served by this waiter before and felt stoooop-id.

Hello. My name’s Caleb. Can I tell you about the specials tonight? Chef has prepared a lovely shabu-shabu featuring rascasse with a mint-cilantro romesco. It’s served with a side of chickpea pakora. Our featured appetizer is a chicken lasagna lollypop. Oh, and you have to guess the price because I certainly won’t tell you!

That is not me. Where possible, I’ll make it simple. What did I have? Was it good? How did the restaurant handle any special requests designed to keep me on track?

I’ll leave the bacon-and-babaco profiterole to the pros.